Joke from my Dad..

[csbdr]

A RETIREE'S LAST TRIP TO COSTCO

Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco,
the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman
behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I
didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I
probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd
lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming
out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works
is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two
every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works
well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically
everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I
told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so
hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people.
They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say. Forward
this (especially) to all your retired friends...it will be their laugh for the
day.

[Peter Pan]

911....damn call 911....

[DRC458]

Beautiful!

[Big Slim]

Awesome!

[misplacedyank]

Great ending, I was wondering where it was going.

[wooden nickel]

About 30 years ago my brother-in law pulled almost the same joke on his boss. Paul moped around all day. When his boss finally asked what was wrong, Paul said his uncle had died. His boss had to practically drag the long pitiful story out of him. When it finally worked around to the uncle dying after eating dog food, his boss asked if the dog food killed him. Paul said "No, he tried to lick his balls and broke his neck"
Paul died of a stroke almost 2 years ago. I still miss him.

[223sniper]

I'm not retired yet but hope to soon.
Ever since I can remember I have come up with the weirdest stuff to say to idiots I find myself standing next to in line. How can you not? People make the most idiotic comments to or ask the dumbest questions of complete strangers while waiting in line. Sometimes these one liners just pop into my head and before I know it they have tripped off the end of my tongue. The best part is looking over the shoulder of the moron you are talking to and seeing others cracking up.
And they talk about anything to anybody who will listen without the slightest thought that others can hear as well. Once in Amsterdam while waiting for the Heineken Brewery tour, a couple behind me began a conversation with a guy about how they had all sold pot back in the US to finance their trip to Europe. After listening to this for a while I gave my wife a sly grin as a thought entered my brain. She returned my grin with a "don't you dare" look which I ignored of course. I'm a guy, that's what we do, after all. Anyway, I turned around and offered to the trio that it was a mighty interesting coincidence as I too had sold drugs to finance my trip. Eagerly they asked what. "Anything people wanted." I replied. "People come to me, tell me what they want and I sell it to them." They were clearly impressed thinking that they were in the presence of a major dealer. After giving the required Jack Benny pause to let this all marinate in their heads, I said "I'm a pharmacist." Things got real quiet after that. They stood back about five feet, whispering to each other and giving me suspicious looks. My wife was really peeved. "You had to say that, you just couldn't help yourself." she said with the requisite wifely eye roll. I retrospect, had I really been on my toes, I would have added "but I work for the DEA now as a field investigator." Perhaps it's just as well I did not. Who knows who else was in line? It could have been a scene.

[VWK75S]

weirdest stuff to say to idiots I find myself standing next to in line.

Some people like to hear themselves talk no matter what they say.
I was in line at Cannafords and 3 guys were buying beer. The first 2 had selected Geary's and Shipyard (Maine micro brews) 3rd had Bud.
They asked him why are you buying Budweiser?
He replied I don't drink that dark stuff I only drink American beer.
That's all it took
John

[Revtech100]

Lmao....this was good!