Never trust a Lawyer.

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thumper05flstsc
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Never trust a Lawyer.

Post by thumper05flstsc » Fri Jul 31, 2015 9:12 am

Not even your own.

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about"

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.


The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
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Peter Pan
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Re: Never trust a Lawyer.

Post by Peter Pan » Fri Jul 31, 2015 11:36 am

(Note: 8) I better adjust a few details for an anonymous comment *)

Never trust a lawyer:
3 weeks after not shaking hand with a rip off client (ironically his family name is "...*.." (the opposite of his behaviour)), who didn't want to pay his bill, (his lawyer was with him in the car) in stead of the promised counter offer I got a notification from the local judge that if I would not hand over the rebuilt 7 ton machine to the court within a week I would face a trial for a 15 year prison confinement ...
I had no change against a personal friend of our to that time "president".
Fine president: Alias "..*.." * (his nick name is the nick name of the guy he "assumedly" killed as youngster...many more anecdotes about him and his party could be told, but as he is now an honourable politician even a wikipedia quote is taken as insult. )

When the truck came to pick the machine up suddenly a trash Blanchard grinder that was bought for 1500$ (3500$ worth due to the spares) had supposedly the value of my whole farm!
You must love lawyers after such an episode!
Pull the trigger to the lawyer, not the bookkeeper :!:
Sven
Last edited by Peter Pan on Sun Aug 02, 2015 10:58 pm, edited 4 times in total.
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stagewex
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Re: Never trust a Lawyer.

Post by stagewex » Fri Jul 31, 2015 12:15 pm

Good one.
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Lmo
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Re: Never trust a Lawyer.

Post by Lmo » Sat Aug 01, 2015 10:03 pm

Somewhat in the same vein....

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question." noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

"What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?" Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.

"We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls."

"I see." replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste." answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year or so they send us a complete Dick."

My neighbor is an IRS auditor ... he fits this stereotype to a "T"
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tgtrotter
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Re: Never trust a Lawyer.

Post by tgtrotter » Mon Aug 03, 2015 1:08 am

The problem with Lawyer jokes is most people think they are true and Lawyers do not think they are funny.
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thumper05flstsc
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Re: Never trust a Lawyer.

Post by thumper05flstsc » Mon Aug 03, 2015 5:05 am

tgtrotter wrote:The problem with Lawyer jokes is most people think they are true and Lawyers do not think they are funny.
And this is a problem because? :D
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Lloyd G
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Re: Never trust a Lawyer.

Post by Lloyd G » Mon Aug 03, 2015 10:25 am

The best lawyer jokes I ever heard were out of the legal department at work ....

Lawyer parks his new Mercedes, opens the door as a passing truck passes by. The door is ripped from the car and the lawyer is standing in the street screaming bloody murder. A cop comes up to ask about the incident but can't get a word in for the lawyers tirade about the value of the Mercedes, how it's the best car ever made and how much it's going to cost the trucking company. As the lawyer finally starts to slow down the officer points out that the truck not only removed the car door but took the lawyers left arm with it, :shock: to which the lawyer returned to his tirade adding the value of the Rolex, how it's the best watch ever made and how he was going to own the trucking truckers company ....... :roll:
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Re: Never trust a Lawyer.

Post by INSUBORDINATOR » Wed Aug 05, 2015 1:24 pm

Question: What is the difference between a Snake & a Lawyer lying in the road ?
Answer: SKID MARKS in front of the Snake.
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Re: Never trust a Lawyer.

Post by Wildhorse Cafe » Wed Aug 05, 2015 1:30 pm

Lawyers, the worst people in the world, until you need one.
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Ithaca has given you the beautiful voyage

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tgtrotter
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Re: Never trust a Lawyer.

Post by tgtrotter » Thu Mar 10, 2016 5:14 pm

A man buys a dictionary to learn the meaning of words. The first word he looks up is Dictionary. The meaning says "You a$$hole"
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54vintage
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Re: Never trust a Lawyer.

Post by 54vintage » Thu Mar 10, 2016 5:23 pm

I'm sure you've heard this one.....How can you tell when a lawyer is lying....his lips are moving.
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Re: Never trust a Lawyer.

Post by immulmen » Thu Mar 10, 2016 6:14 pm

God was talking to the Devil and giving him a hard time about the living conditions in hell. The Devil Said "After you sent that engineer down things have improved a lot. We have central AC, in ground pools, cold Beer." God said "Engineer, how did you get him? All engineers are good! Send him back" The devil said "No way" So god said "If you don't I will sue you for him". The Devil replied "Good luck, where are you going to get a Lawyer"
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shiftless
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Re: Never trust a Lawyer.

Post by shiftless » Fri Mar 11, 2016 11:35 am

First divorce, wife was Marine requested transfer to Europe because you can't sue active military stationed overseas for anything, including divorce (law dates from 1941 due to sleaze suing anyone in combat and winning due to default because the guy couldn't go home to fight the case, so you wait until they get back in the US, then file). She wanted to collect benefits at the much higher married rate. I tricked her (bluffing, another story) into filing against me, however she had no intent to actually try to move the case forward. Too bad, I found out that once she filed the case, I could file for a hearing date. Her lawyer tells me not to worry about my 30 day time to respond, we have an agreement, we are just waiting for her signature, there is no rush. He doesn't return calls near the deadline, then he files for a default judgement on day 31. Too bad, I had prepared to file contested (instead of with an agreement the judge would rubber stamp due to brief marriage, no kids, and no real money) and as a college student working temp jobs, filed it as a pauper. This means I didn't have the money to pay the fee to file a response. It takes a couple days to have the finances reviewed to grant the waver of the fees, and the response is not entered into the system until the decision is made. So the lawyer looks, doesn't know I have filed, and he files for some real slimy things, including an active duty Marine getting support from a full time student Ex, plus my retirement. So much for we have an agreement, no rush. His default gets thrown out when my response hits the system. Then outside the court he wants to see the original of a crimp sealed form (seal won't show on a copy), so I won't let him touch it. I will hold it close as long as his hands are far away. He gives me crap about he won't do anything to it, so I point out how trustworthy he has proved himself with the default filing. He has no answer. Because I filed for the date, I fill in the estimated time on the docket, and it's a bit long, and they take the short ones first. He doesn't want to sit all day, so he shortens the estimate. I go back, make it even longer, cross out his false representation of my estimate and initial mine, so now it is clear that we are fighting about everything, including how long the fight will last. He has to sit there all day waiting to be called ($/hr) and I represent myself, with the law being very clear, just apply a simple formula in CA, and we get exactly what was agreed on earlier, but it cost her a lot of lawyer time and fees, plus 2 separate trips from Europe to CA and back. So I didn't get extra cash, but I did get some satisfaction.
Still like Charlie Chaplin's 1940 talkie "The Great Dictator"; had to abandon it as the inspiration for the theme of my Ural's paint scheme. People can't seem to tell satire from support. Too much public education.

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Re: Never trust a Lawyer.

Post by BigJames » Fri Mar 11, 2016 12:14 pm

thumper05flstsc wrote:
tgtrotter wrote:The problem with Lawyer jokes is most people think they are true and Lawyers do not think they are funny.
And this is a problem because? :D
Gee, I generally hear these kinda jokes from lawyers!
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Re: Never trust a Lawyer.

Post by harryball » Fri Mar 11, 2016 6:29 pm

BigJames wrote:
thumper05flstsc wrote:
tgtrotter wrote:The problem with Lawyer jokes is most people think they are true and Lawyers do not think they are funny.
And this is a problem because? :D
Gee, I generally hear these kinda jokes from lawyers!
Those weren't jokes, they were anecdotes from their day at work. :wink:
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